The Truth

I turn the tv off, i pray, i pull my blanket, i close my eyes, and yet i can't sleep.And i start thinking about everything........

1. You know that feeling ? when you're just waiting. Waiting to get home, waiting to get into your room, close the door and fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either. And i'm tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. and i just want someone to be here and tell me "Its Okay". But no one's going to be here, and i know i have to be strong for myself, because no one can fix me. But i'm tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix myself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, i just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But i know i won't be. But yet, I'm still hoping, still trying, still wishing, and i'm still staying strong and fighting. With tears in my eyes. I'm Fighting.

2.I'm that kind of girl who smiles even though i'm hurting inside. I talk loud, I take care of my own problems, I'm insecure though i'm proud about everything in myself. I look in the mirror everyday and sometimes i don't know who is she.. I cry myself to sleep because i get hurt. I do my homework and do my task and having a good grade and i still never satisfied. I'm always out with my friend, trying to forget him, but whenever i'm home. he's really all i can think about. I never really tell anyone how i feel, unless i trust them. Sometimes it feels like i'm alone, and no one really cares. But no matter how bad i'm feeling, I never give up.

I start to realize when did i start insomnia.......
A few months ago, i haven't slept very well. Actually i haven't slept at all since the day you broke up with me. And that night i was just sat in my chair, in front of the laptop, listened to music, and then i stopped. I turned down the volume, I paused what i was doing, ignored my family that called my name, and then i realize why i haven't slept. It's not because I'm not tired. It's because while i was sleeping, you're always in my dreams. Before I go to sleep, you're always in my head. When i wake up, i always wonder if you think of me too. And when i'm trying to sleep it's like i don't want to wake up. Because i know there's nothing good to wake up anymore. No "good morning" in my Bbm, no smile on my face, nothing to look forward in the end of the day. Simply nothing. That's why i can't sleep.

I start to realize that i was stupid.....
Because, you know what ? i don't miss you, i'm not all broken up inside and i dont wish worked it out. I'm not crying myself to sleep again at night. In fact i start to be grateful that everything is done. The moment you walked away, the moment you given up on me, and the moment you show the real you was the moment i realized i never needed you, i realize i was wrong, stupid, and drunk. I'm coming alive a little more each day now. The less you in my life, the more i can breath, the more i can smile. I forgot how good it feels to just be myself and live my life without you there trying to pull me down. Everyday with you was a great moment of struggle, struggle to fight for you, fight for our relationship, and i'm happy and thankful that i'm not wasting any more of my time on you. Thank you for letting me realize you're not worth every tears that i waste, thank you for letting me go. I would have never known what i was missing. Because the truth is i'm not scared losing your love, losing you, what i scared is when i ended up alone, but in fact i have my friends and my families that always there to support me and never give up on me. And one thing someday, i will find someone that won't give up on me through the good and the bad :)

But now, i always can fall asleep easily. Good night everybody.

Sleep well and wake up smile :D